…mostly because I tell way too much information. But I have no one to talk to. Well, I do…but I just don’t feel like talking to people right now. Not even my regular road dogs. I just don’t want to talk at all.
I am a little bit lonely right now. I mean, I am surrounded by people who love me. However, I am going through something that I cannot quite put into words right now. Emotionally, my boyfriend and I are so distanced that it is becoming very awkward for me to converse with him at all. I do not know how to feel right now. I have been trying to talk to him for a couple of weeks now and he is avoiding any conversation that is not superficial. This afternoon, he called very ecstatic because he was going to have a very exciting evening – going to a basketball game and then a concert. After he told me about it, he asked me how my day was. I said, “Weird”. He immediately cut the conversation and said goodbye. That’s how it’s been for a long time now. I guess that is why I am lonely. It’s like I can talk about anything except me, unless he has something to say. Some days, I don’t talk to him all day long and then when we finally touch base, we don’t really talk. He tells me something and then when I attempt to talk about something, suddenly he has to go and he’ll call me back. He never does. Or he’ll call when I am likely sleeping. The only way I can get him is if I text him. Once I texted him something that he felt was inappropriate to talk about via text messaging; however, I thought it was important, I wanted to get it off my chest, and I felt it was the only way I could talk to him. I know something is wrong, but as usual, he doesn’t want to talk. At least not to me.
I feel really lost right now. I don’t know what he wants from me at this point – except to leave him alone. He’s not saying either way. Right now, it feels like he doesn’t want me around and that hurts.
I don’t understand why things have to be so complicated. What am I doing wrong? Seems like everything I say and do is wrong right now. That’s why I’ve been so quiet. He will probably ask me at another time (probably tomorrow) why I had a weird day at work today. I won’t want to talk about it then. I’m so mad at myself that I didn’t just say, “Fine”. Now, if I say my day was fine, he’ll say I’m lying. If I just come out and say that I don’t want to talk about it, then he’ll likely suck his teeth and get annoyed. But I hardly ever get to tell him real-time information. By the time he makes himself available to talk to me, it’s not even the same anymore for me.
I don’t know what is going on now. And I’ve got my kids here with me and homework and grandma and kids and homework and grandma and kids and homework….and I am so happy about the distractions right now. Having people around me 24/7 is keeping me from crying. The few moments I had in my car alone before I picked up my daughter from school, I cried immediately. I didn’t even know what I was crying for. I just feel really sad right now.
*sigh* I have so much going on…and I can’t even share it with my boyfriend because he doesn’t really want to listen. What am I doing wrong? I asked him to help me understand what was going on so I wouldn’t have to keep taking myself through this…but he never responded. I keep telling myself that he cares about my feelings, but I don’t know…he is not acting like it right now. The fact of the matter is that I don’t understand. If this were anyone else, I’d swear he was contemplating breaking up with me.
From now on, everything is fine…I’m fine…nothing’s bothering me. That’s gonna be my story and I’m sticking to it. It doesn’t seem to matter anyway. I guess in this scenario, knowing is the same as not knowing - I get the same response either way. I don’t want to work myself up thinking I am going to talk about anything and keep getting disappointed.
I’m not talking anymore right now. I get it…I mean, I don’t get the reasons, but I get that he doesn’t want to talk to me.
So I give up. Uncle.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
…yes…God loves me.
I know I haven’t been blogging lately. But there has been so much going on, I could never focus my thoughts long enough to come up with words to say. Honestly, I still don’t know what to say; but I figure if I just start typing, the words will come.
I am glad to say that I am no longer depressed. Things have really turned around for me. I attribute it to hitting rock bottom emotionally. Sometimes in order to be forced to do something about a situation, you have to hit rock bottom. I was so messed up one night I just started praying and crying until the tears would not come anymore. And I quietly said, “God…please. I need you to help me or I am going to slit my wrist.” And I heard God say to me that if I do not learn to trust Him and be patient while going through the process, then my depression and fear was going to kill me with sickness before I even had a chance to kill myself. At that point, I didn’t have a choice but to comply. I made up my mind that I was going to just trust that God was going to take care of me and to not worry about how things appeared to be going on the outside. I just stopped worrying about things I couldn’t change. And when I REALLY did that, for the first time in my life, I felt peace. Real peace. I’ve never felt that before. Suddenly, I didn’t worry about not having a job…I didn’t worry about my relationship…I didn’t worry about my kids…I didn’t worry about not having any money…I just didn’t worry about anything. All those things were still issues, but somehow it didn’t matter. I really believed that God was going to take care of me.
Not even a week later, I got a call out of the blue from an agency on a Monday morning begging me to do them a huge favor and take an assignment at the last minute because the person that was in the position bailed out or something. I don’t know. She had to beg me because the pay was way below what I previously said I would work for. But I said yes, and found out that the assignment was only two weeks because they had actually hired someone permanently already for the position, but she had to give her two week notice first. That was February 23, 2009. God told me to work that temp assignment like I’m being paid $100,000 a year. At the end of the two weeks, they decided to keep me temping in that position and gave the person they just hired a DIFFERENT position. Well, I kept working like a champ…two months went by. I got sick…with no insurance…and ended up with about $30,000 in medical bills for going to the emergency room for 6 hours. But I wasn’t worried. I needed that job (and that health insurance) like last year, but I just KNEW God was going to take care of me if I kept doing what He told me to do. Well, this week, they offered me the position. I start on Monday. So God answered my prayer regarding a job, and I am so grateful.
What I learned in that situation was how to trust God and have a positive attitude regardless of how things are going. My relationship with God grew exponentially during this time. And you know what? When they offered me the job, the salary was STILL below what I wanted to make. For a second, I was really messed up. All the plans I had for myself got ALLLLLLL messed up because of that salary…but you know what? By the end of the day (even though I had to get myself together), when I laid my head down on my pillow, I thanked God for that job…and I believed that God was going to give me some wisdom regarding how to manage my money on that salary. But I know that I won’t be there at that salary long. God has promised me some things and I believe Him. I believe they will happen. I really do.
Also, I made a promise that although I could conceive of attending church again, I would never be in another ministry again, and I will NEVER NEVER EVER EVER NEVER EVER EVUH play the piano again. I did not trust church or church leadership and I didn’t want to feel taken advantage of again. It took forever to finally join a church. But that same weekend that God told me to stop playing and trust Him, my raggedy butt was front row and center. Well, I cried like a baby and had a hard time making it to the car at the end of service because I was crying so hard. Weeks later, I joined. That was very hard to do and I cried like someone told me that my parents died when I joined because I was completely doing it in fear and trembling. But I did it. They are very nice people, but the church was so quiet and just really…White. And it was okay, really, because God was speaking to me loud and clear every Sunday. Ironically, I ended up joining another church a few months later. I am now in their membership class and plan on joining their music ministry! But you know what all that first church-joining was about? I realize that if I had walked into the church I am in right now FIRST, I would have never joined. I wouldn’t have been ready. I would have run out of there like a bat out of hell. They were too interactive and as a member, there is some level of accountability. Because of my hurt, I would have run from that even though it was the very thing I needed! So God led me to the first church in order to help me build some faith and make me sensitive to hearing from God again like I used to be. As it turns out, the woman that they hired at my job was a member of this church and she invited me. The minute I walked in the front door, I knew it was the right place. But let me tell you something: if I had never had that first experience, I would have never had the faith to join this church. NOW, I am where I am supposed to be.
Now I am still dealing with some other issues that God is helping me with…mostly my personal life. But I’ll talk about that another time. Tonight, I just wanted to share about how much God loves me.
Yes…God loves me.
Filed under: Happy for me!, Revelations | Leave a Comment
I have had a few days to think some things over. I am still very much stressed; but somehow I was able to get out my physical slump – a little bit. I literally was not coming out of my bedroom for days, except to use the bathroom and take my dog out to eat. I wasn’t eating either. My appetite still isn’t quite right still. But there has been some progress. I left out of my room AND the house yesterday. Yay! It was only for a few hours, but honestly, it’s been the longest outing since I got here almost a month ago.
It seems as though I have applied for a million jobs…and the only thing I’ve gotten is spam and marketing phone calls. I think its a new ploy or something people are using to get your personal information. My plan now is to just work on getting a couple of part time jobs to try to cover myself for a while.
Having to do that is really messing with my self-esteem. It’s starting to make me feel as if I am going COMPLETELY backwards…like I am a failure like my family probably believes I am. They’ve never said it to my face, but they rarely speak highly of me to others. I know because people like to talk and it always gets out. Even when my parents talk to me directly, they typically talk at me…kind of impersonal…like they are talking to a stranger…and they always walk on eggshells like they are skeptical and I never understood why. Besides…I have never had a person come back to me and say that my parents have ever spoken any positive about me. And everybody on the planet can’t be wrong. But I’ve always known anyway…even when I was a child. I’d just like for once to be able to say, “You know, I’m not the loser you all think I am”…and then be able to substantiate it. Right now, my life dictates that I don’t have too much going on…just like they say. I’m starting to believe that no one takes me very seriously either. But whatever. I can’t think about that right now….it’s starting to depress me all over again.
Well, I am going to try to be productive today. I may even walk outside and go to the beach today. We’ll see.
Filed under: Uncategorized | 2 Comments
I am depressed.
I wish I wasn’t, but I am. I don’t go anywhere. I don’t talk to people. I am avoiding phone calls. I don’t care that I am taking a bath very often. Why? I’m not going anywhere anyway, unfortunately. My hair is coming out in clumps and my split ends are ridiculous. My skin is ugly and I’m getting fat. I’m having a hard time caring about anything. And I mean anything.
I need a job.
In addition to all of my financial issues, I have heart issues.
I am lonely despite moving here to Florida with my mom. My brother is moving 6 hours away at the end of the month and I am very disappointed about that because one of the reasons I moved here was to be near my brother, which I really needed. But he’s got a life and things are going well for him, so that’s great. At least one of us is happy.
I’m probably lonely because I am distancing myself from human contact because of how depressed I am. It is increasingly getting difficult to want to have a discussion with anyone…including my mother, my children, and my boyfriend…or whatever he is. He’s not my boyfriend anymore really, but I don’t know what else to call him. When he told me that he didn’t want anything from me, I was devastated. It has utterly frustrated and confused me. I decided to just let that relationship go for now. I don’t have a choice really. But I think he underestimated how important our relationship has been to me. It’s the only one that I…nevermind. I don’t feel like talking about it.
I am trying my best not to give up completely…but it is getting increasingly difficult.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
I made it.
Well, I’ve made it to Florida. And I feel kind of weird. On the one hand, I’ve finally gotten some sleep…I’m glad to be here with my Mom…Tito is enjoying the warm weather…and for the most part, I feel stress-free. Well, except that big thing about needing a job. It’s a little rough. My city skills are way too much for the country and I’ve been advised to dumb it down. I guess that’s what I’ll be working on today (other than my homework). But truth be told, I’d rather be unemployed in Florida than unemployed in the big city. It’s rough in the city.
I sort of thought that when I got down here that the lines of communication would open up and my boyfriend and I would really start talking. Honestly, I want to stay with him…I just need to work on ME for right now. He says that he understands that. I think he does and he doesn’t. I don’t think he understands why I need to do this away from him. I have tried explaining that to him, but he doesn’t hear me too much.
But anyway…
I still want to marry him. That is going to require that we stay in communication and have a long distance relationship. He hasn’t really been giving me much lately. Mostly because he’s really been going through some things and the way he reacts to things is to disappear and doesn’t want to talk. That’s not really fair to do because we are supposed to be in a relationship, but honestly, I understand it. I do the same thing…I just don’t do it with him. I guess we are very different in that way. When things go wrong, he runs away from me. When things go wrong with me, I run towards him. If he continues to run away from me and not talk, I do not know how we are going to maintain our relationship. He did this very thing when I lived three minutes away from him. And it was difficult then to talk to him. Being here does not improve things.
I do not know how to handle this relationship anymore. Should I continue to consider it a relationship? Or should I just let it go and come back to it when I move back in 2011? I am not sure anymore. Whenever I act as if I have any doubts, he gets all upset like I said something wrong…but then the next day, we are back to saying nothing.
Single people are different from people in marriages or committed, loving relationships. Single people see the world differently. People in committed and loving relationships see the world in terms of “us” and “we.” They only make moves if they benefit “the team”. When they meet people, particularly the opposite sex, before one word is spoken, they know what’s up. You don’t even consider that other person anything but a professional or platonic associate. But single people, on the other hand, are very different in their thinking. Single people see the world in terms of “me, myself, and I”…when they make decisions, they only have to consider themselves, for the most part…and they think about their future in terms of relationships. So when single people meet other single period, there is something in the air…the possibility of a relationship or a future with that other person, if they want it.
Ever since I have been in a relationship with this man, it’s always been “us” and “we” for me. Even when I was spending all of my time alone, it was still “us”. I am always presented with other options, but I have NEVER thought about being with anyone else, despite how complicated our relationship was. I even tried at one point to force myself to be open to other relationships…and I just couldn’t do it. I simply love this man. Even now that I am over 1,000 miles away, I still think in terms of “us”. He knows that. Sometimes, I think that it is why he handles our relationship so carelessly. He knows I’m not going anyway.
But being in Florida changes things drastically. I am so far away. Communication is ALL we have now. And if he doesn’t make any real efforts to communicate, then our relationship is going to fade away, no matter how much I want it. That scares me because essentially, the relationship rests in his ability to make an effort to reach out and I’m not sure he’ll do that. He always has reasons why he can’t and they are always legitimate (to him). Will he do the same thing now? He is so used to me reaching out and keeping things together. But I can’t do that anymore. It’s not just MY relationship…it’s OUR relationship. And if he wants it, he has to work for it, just like I do.
I hate being single. He knows that, too. First of all, there’s no one out here really (at least I haven’t met anyone worth my time). I’ve pretty much given up the relationship thing…I don’t want to be hurt any more than I already have. If my relationship with my boyfriend doesn’t work, I might just have to be alone. He knows that, too. I used to say that all the time. But when I said it before, I had no plans to be without him. Now, I am realizing that it is a possibility that we will really break up for real for real. If we did, I don’t think I could talk to him anymore because I would have a hard time just being his friend and emotionally, that would absolutely jack me up inside. The thought of that makes my stomach hurt and I almost cried typing that.
But damn…I just have to believe that I am worth loving and cherishing. I have to believe that I am worth someone putting some effort into a relationship with me. I was really hoping that my boyfriend would come around and not just see how he acts hurts me, but be moved to change his behavior. But I am starting to see that he has already made up his mind about how he wants to live his life…and I guess if I want to be apart of it, then I have to be the one to make adjustments or just accept it and get over it. But that’s not an option anymore. I’ve done that for the last few years and nothing has changed. You can’t change a person if they don’t want to change.
So do I TRULY move on while I’m here in Florida? Right now, my mindset is that I am here to get myself together and do some things for myself, and then go back to the city and continue my relationship with him. But…I don’t know. While I am here in Florida, do I date? Do I even open myself up to that? Honestly, I am not even thinking about dating and I am definitely giving off that vibe. But I am pretty sure that if I decided to open myself up to it, the dates would come. That is how is usually happens with me. Like I said, I’m busy right now. I’m too busy being unemployed to be looking at some dude. I’m trying to find a job and I’ve got plenty homework to do. That’s where my mind is. At the moment. But once things settle down for me, then what.
I hate relationships. I mean, I don’t….but I do. They are so complicated. And I swear, I’m just not good at it. Either that or maybe I really am a terrible person and I’m just in denial about it…nevermind.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
I try my best to not hate people
…but they keep doing things that just make me want to denounce the entire human race. Why are people so self-serving? Why do people…*sigh*…nevermind. I can’t even…just…people suck.
This is why I am a hermit. Because people do suck. Yes, I live a pretty quiet and boring existence…but I’d rather be quiet and boring than loud and
UUUUUGGGGGHHHH!
irate. Because that’s what I’m about to be right at this very moment…pissed off. Just when you start trusting people, they do things that really force you to walk on eggshells around them and be completely skeptical. But that’s not how I like to deal with people. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt…you know? Prove to me that you’re an asshole…THEN I will act like you’re one. That’s how I used to be. But people are forcing me to treat everyone like jackasses right up front – because the minute I let my guard down and trust them, they go, “oh, by the way…I’m a jackass.” So I may as well skip all the formalities and just assume they are jackasses so I don’t waste my time.
UUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH…
I am so disenchanted with most things and most people right now.
Calgon…take me FAAAAAAAAAAAAR away.
Filed under: ***[big sigh]***, Random thoughts | Leave a Comment
I’ve been in my relationship for several years now. I love him more than anyone or anything else in this world. I believe he loves me, too. But the last two years have been very difficult. We had discussions about being with one another forever. But when we had those discussions, his life was different. His life has changed now. Drastically. It’s a good thing for him that it has changed; however, this big change means that I have been moved out of the picture slowly but surely. And his life has not and will not slow down from this point. I have been trying my best to talk to him about this for the last two years and he completely denied that there was an issue – all while we barely saw each other and spent time together. I honestly do not remember the last time we went on a date. He rarely makes plans with me…and he is always too busy to talk. When I finally have a moment to talk to him, he’s too tired and preoccupied with other things and I can’t get him to respond to me. Every time I say, “I don’t think you have time for me anymore”, he gets defensive, accuses me of being negative, gets all huffy-puffy…but never really addresses it. So it went on for two years. I became the loneliest and saddest girl in love that I’ve ever seen.
Finally…finally…finally…two years later, he admits that he doesn’t have time for me anymore. So I ask him how he thinks the relationship is going to keep going…and he doesn’t know. Later on in the conversation, he goes round and round without ever giving a solution. He says that he needs time to think of a solution. But what is there to think about? Is his life going to change? No. Is the situation going to just calm down? No, it’s not. If anything, it’s going to get even crazier. How in the world can the situation change unless HE changes how he has been handling his life? Well, he then informed me that he didn’t see himself changing.
*blank stare*
Is the situation going to change itself? Ummm…no. But he eliminates the only real viable solution available – personal change. So where does that leave me then? What am I supposed to do at this point? Ideally, he wants me to stay with him and wait for him to be able to have a real relationship with me. The only problem with that is that he does not want to make any commitments as to when. That’s a problem because I’ve already spent the last two years being lonely. I was married to a man for almost 11 years and I was lonely the entire time…I just can’t believe that I have been lonely AGAIN! I’ve given my life to this man…and…*sigh*…I just can’t do it anymore. My heart cannot take it. And he wants me to keep being lonely and hurt for an even more undisclosed amount of time? Truth be told, I want to wait…but I know I shouldn’t. He seems to be willing to make a commitment to one thing and one thing only (he knows what that is) and there is nothing wrong with that thing. But again, where does that leave me? I’m so vested in this relationship and I truly love him…but I’m starting to believe that he is not ready to take a risk with me and trust me completely. And if he can’t trust me and is not willing to take risks with me…then what’s left? What’s the point? I think he is willing to take risks and trust me…but not right now. Something else is more important.
I finally told him later that evening that if he cannot make any changes in his life to accommodate our relationship anymore, then he needs to just let me go. He doesn’t want to, though, because he feels that if he lets me go, then I will definitely move on with someone else and won’t be available for him when he’s ready for me.
That is only a half-truth. I’m not 100% certain that I would have moved on with someone else; but I will very likely make some moves that would make it difficult to be in a relationship later.
For the last two weeks, I have really been fighting the urge to pack up and move to Florida. I mean, I’ve BEEN wanting to go; but truth be told, the only reason why I am still here is because I wanted to be with him (assuming the rest of the details of my life could be worked out). I didn’t want to leave because he made it 100% clear that he would not move there. He wants to go back home to the Midwest in about 10 years. So I stayed and gave up any dreams about Florida. I was willing to move to the Midwest where he was from to live in weather I HATED. I love him. But now, I can’t see why I should continue to make plans around his plans and his life and his family when he made a statement that he doesn’t make plans…he just deals with things as they come.
The problem with that statement is this: while he’s “just living”…he wants me to continue to make plans to be with him. I’ve already planned and made decisions about my life based on our relationship for the past few years…and well, I’m at this point. So it’s okay for me to do it, but he’s not obligated? You know what? I remember one time he told me that he doesn’t like people telling him what to do and trying to control him (that was his reply when I begged him to make some commitments). He wants to live his life…on his terms…and really that’s okay, I guess, but that’s the wrong attitude to have toward someone you say you want to marry. He is very self-centered and believes that the world is his in every sense of the word (damn you, Nas)…everyone is apparently supposed to jump through whatever hoops to make him happy, but rarely does he reciprocate it unless we’re talking about his children or his family. It takes selflessness to have a successful marriage – and he ain’t having it. He’s not willing to be that way with me. He also finally admitted that he didn’t trust me the way that he should. *sigh*
It’s been a few days now and although he agrees that he no longer has time for me, that there is no emotional intimacy, and that he doesn’t see himself changing, he still doesn’t want to end the relationship. So I’m pretty sure he’s avoiding the topic.
Emotionally, I have already begun letting go of the relationship. Unless my life just does a serious loopteeloop, I’m on my way to Florida as soon as I can get there…at least that’s my plan. I will miss him terribly. I will probably cry more days than not. I honestly believed that we were meant to be together. But something has to change in order for that to happen…because he doesn’t want to.
I am beginning to realize that truly loving someone is just not enough sometimes. Sometimes life (or the other person) just gets in the way of what we think we really want. Maybe what I want is not necessarily the best thing for me…I don’t know anymore (I’m hoping that I am wrong and that this will all be a dream). But loving someone should not be this hard and painful…it just shouldn’t be.
Maybe I need to have the same attitude about life that he does…to live my life…on my terms. The only problem is…I don’t know what those terms are.
I guess I need to figure that out on my own…without him.
...where I wanna be right now...
Filed under: ***[big sigh]***, Revelations | 5 Comments
Untitled
I was just sitting in church at midnight and everyone screamed “HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!” and I couldn’t join them. I just gave everyone a cheesy half smile and as little eye contact as possible. I had been crying off and on during the entire service. I really didn’t feel like saying Happy New nothing…I wanted to stand outside alone in silence. I helped serve food later and left as soon as possible. I rode home in complete silence.
I am really being reflective. Reflective of the year I just had. 2008 was very challenging for me. It was a serious rollercoaster. Actually, emotionally and personally 2008 was devastating in so many ways. It was one of the most lonely years I’ve had in a long time. Financially, it was one of the scariest. Spiritually, it was dry. I did begin going back to church and things started getting better for me little by little…things started leveling off…at least in some small ways.
And then on December 31, 2008, I was terminated from my job. I can’t believe I’m about to start the new year unemployed. How can I look in my kids’ faces? I’m sure they will be disappointed in me. The last time I was unemployed (it was in 2008), I got so deep in doo-doo financially and things completely spiraled out of control.
2008 was a year of depression for me. I was probably depressed more days than I wasn’t. I cried myself to sleep a lot. As a matter of fact, I haven’t had a month’s worth of good night’s sleep in 2008. Truth be told, that’s probably been the case for the last few years. I’ve felt so terribly overwhelmed and like God just didn’t prefer me…I guess that’s just the best way to put it. Things just never seem to STAY right for me. Just when it looks like things are leveling off, they fall apart. That seems to have been my life last year.
What was hurtful is that when everyone screamed “Happy New Year” hugging one another and looking really happy, I was standing there all alone, nauseated, unemployed, and in tears – the same way I spent 2008.
By the time service was over, I was praying to God (well, really, it was more like BEGGING) over and over again that 2009 be a year of turnaround for me. I really need stability in my life in more ways than one.
On my way home, I realized that I had trust issues with not only God (which I acknowledged), but with everyone. I don’t even trust the people that I love the most. I don’t think the love is reciprocated in every case…or at least not in the same way. And I’ve been so hurt by most of them. Mistrust is why I do not have very many friends anymore either. I do not go out with friends very often (maybe once every 2 months or so, which is ridiculous for a single person, right?). That is why I am having a hard time moving forward with lots of things in my life. I stay at home alone. I don’t trust anyone. That scares me. That’s not the regular me. I’m usually way more trusting of people. But I think that’s why I’m disappointed so often – I give too many people the benefit of the doubt when I probably should not. But if you can’t trust people on any level, how do you really develop healthy relationships? You can’t. I don’t even trust people professionally. Socially. Personally.
My dog loves me, though. I know he does. No matter what happens in our relationship, he’s consistent. He’s here. I think if anything ever happened to Tito, I would be devastated. Seriously. It’s the only sure thing in my life right now.
But anyway, in 2009 I am going to focus on stabilization. Although I really want to be in a healthy, loving relationship (I don’t think I’ve ever really had one), I want to get to a point where it’s not so critical to my happiness. Because right now, it is. Probably because I feel so lonely and I want a family again. I am fearful that my life is going to continue to be so raggedy…and…*sigh*…Nevermind…I don’t feel like talking about this anymore.
Tonight, I also thought about how God took care of me in 2008 despite how raggedy it was. There were times when I didn’t eat and I couldn’t pay one bill. But I made it through. The year ended on a sour note indeed, but I guess it can’t do anything but go up from here. God will continue to take care of me. I just need to learn to trust Him. I mean, even if God doesn’t necessarily want to bless me for me…if nothing else, maybe He’ll take care of me for the sake of my kids. And I know He loves them.
I don’t really have anyone else to say this to right now, but “Happy New Year.” I am hopeful that things will get better…I have to be.
I have to be. Otherwise, there’s no point in living.
Filed under: ***[big sigh]***, Random thoughts | Leave a Comment
My Sentiments Exactly
I ran across this poem while surfing the web (can’t go to sleep), and I almost broke down crying. I kept reading it and reading it because this is EXACTLY the way I have felt about my relationship. I have tried to express this very thing to him before and I am never sure that he really heard me. But, Jaz, whoever you are…this is wonderful. Thanks for writing this.
Afraid to Love Again
by Jaz
Filed under: Revelations | 1 Comment
Treason
[tree-zuh n]–noun /the betrayal of a trust or confidence; breach of faith; treachery/
Treason. That’s the crime that I felt was committed against me. When the person in whom you trust explicitly betrays your trust (particularly when there was no real reason to do so), it is difficult to recover from that.
My trust was recently betrayed. And it was by the person that I love and trust the most. I am having a difficult time seeing him or our relationship the same. I never thought he would lie to me about anything – particularly since we’ve already been through some REAL LIFE shit together. We’ve probably been there for one another during the worst times of our lives ever…and so there’s no reason to deliberately lie!?! I always thought he was 100% with me all these years…and to find out that it’s not true has really messed me up. I mean, do I assume that he’s probably lied about something else? Do I just give him a pass and say, “well, it was just this one time…” I mean, he looked me in my face and lied to me…after I gave him an out before he even opened up his mouth in the first place. So I literally meant that there was no need to lie. Not at all.
Why did he lie? Self-preservation? According to him, it was to protect me. *Sigh* I don’t know…I just…I’m confused now.
Is my relationship really what I thought it was? I simply do not trust him the same anymore and THAT is disappointing and it’s hurting me. Mostly because I’ve made some life-altering movements in my life PURELY based on blind trust in him and his intentions. During the most trying time of our relationship, I find out he’s lied. And I’m having a hard time believing it’s the only time. I just can’t believe it. I was prepared and willing to have to deal with a lot of things in our relationship if it ever actually turned into a marriage…but trust was definitely not one of them.
Now it is…over some bullshit at THAT.
Damn.
I feel so damn betrayed.
be⋅tray [bi-trey] –verb (used with object) /to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust. To disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to: to betray one’s friends/
Like a first-class sucker.
Filed under: ***[big sigh]*** | 1 Comment
Search
Recent Entries
Categories
- ***[big sigh]*** (23)
- Blah…blah…blah… (10)
- Do I sound confused? (6)
- Happy for me! (1)
- Random thoughts (3)
- Revelations (13)
- This is crazy as hell. (3)
- Uncategorized (11)
- [sigh] oh Lord…my people… (1)
