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01Jan09

I was just sitting in church at midnight and everyone screamed “HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!”  and I couldn’t join them.  I just gave everyone a cheesy half smile and as little eye contact as possible.  I had been crying off and on during the entire service.  I really didn’t feel like saying Happy New nothing…I wanted to stand outside alone in silence.  I helped serve food later and left as soon as possible.  I rode home in complete silence.

I am really being reflective.  Reflective of the year I just had.  2008 was very challenging for me.  It was a serious rollercoaster.  Actually, emotionally and personally 2008 was devastating in so many ways.  It was one of the most lonely years I’ve had in a long time.  Financially, it was one of the scariest.  Spiritually, it was dry.  I did begin going back to church and things started getting better for me little by little…things started leveling off…at least in some small ways.

And then on December 31, 2008, I was terminated from my job.   I can’t believe I’m about to start the new year unemployed.  How can I look in my kids’ faces?  I’m sure they will be disappointed in me.  The last time I was unemployed (it was in 2008), I got so deep in doo-doo financially and things completely spiraled out of control.

2008 was a year of depression for me.  I was probably depressed more days than I wasn’t.  I cried myself to sleep a lot.  As a matter of fact, I haven’t had a month’s worth of good night’s sleep in 2008.  Truth be told, that’s probably been the case for the last few years.   I’ve felt so terribly overwhelmed and like God just didn’t prefer me…I guess that’s just the best way to put it.  Things just never seem to STAY right for me.  Just when it looks like things are leveling off, they fall apart.  That seems to have been my life last year.

What was hurtful is that when everyone screamed “Happy New Year” hugging one another and looking really happy, I was standing there all alone, nauseated, unemployed, and in tears – the same way I spent 2008.

By the time service was over, I was praying to God (well, really, it was more like BEGGING) over and over again that 2009 be a year of turnaround for me.  I really need stability in my life in more ways than one.

On my way home, I realized that I had trust issues with not only God (which I acknowledged), but with everyone.  I don’t even trust the people that I love the most.  I don’t think the love is reciprocated in every case…or at least not in the same way.  And I’ve been so hurt by most of them.  Mistrust is why I do not have very many friends anymore either.   I do not go out with friends very often (maybe once every 2 months or so, which is ridiculous for a single person, right?).  That is why I am having a hard time moving forward with lots of things in my life.  I stay at home alone.  I don’t trust anyone.  That scares me.  That’s not the regular me.  I’m usually way more trusting of people.  But I think that’s why I’m disappointed so often – I give too many people the benefit of the doubt when I probably should not.  But if you can’t trust people on any level, how do you really develop healthy relationships?  You can’t.  I don’t even trust people professionally.  Socially.  Personally.

My dog loves me, though.  I know he does.  No matter what happens in our relationship, he’s consistent.  He’s here.  I think if anything ever happened to Tito, I would be devastated. Seriously.  It’s the only sure thing in my life right now.

But anyway, in 2009 I am going to focus on stabilization.  Although I really want to be in a healthy, loving relationship (I don’t think I’ve ever really had one), I want to get to a point where it’s not so critical to my happiness.  Because right now, it is.  Probably because I feel so lonely and I want a family again.  I am fearful that my life is going to continue to be so raggedy…and…*sigh*…Nevermind…I don’t feel like talking about this anymore.

Tonight, I also thought about how God took care of me in 2008 despite how raggedy it was.  There were times when I didn’t eat and I couldn’t pay one bill.  But I made it through.  The year ended on a sour note indeed, but I guess it can’t do anything but go up from here.   God will continue to take care of me.   I just need to learn to trust Him.  I mean, even if God doesn’t necessarily want to bless me for me…if nothing else, maybe He’ll take care of me for the sake of my kids.  And I know He loves them.

I don’t really have anyone else to say this to right now, but “Happy New Year.”  I am hopeful that things will get better…I have to be.

I have to be.  Otherwise, there’s no point in living.

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