Sometimes life has a different plan than the one you’ve concocted

13Jan09

I’ve been in my relationship for several years now.  I love him more than anyone or anything else in this world.  I believe he loves me, too.  But the last two years have been very difficult.   We had discussions about being with one another forever.   But when we had those discussions, his life was different.  His life has changed now.  Drastically.  It’s a good thing for him that it has changed; however, this big change means that I have been moved out of the picture slowly but surely.  And his life has not and will not slow down from this point.  I have been trying my best to talk to him about this for the last two years and he completely denied that there was an issue – all while we barely saw each other and spent time together.  I honestly do not remember the last time we went on a date.  He rarely makes plans with me…and he is always too busy to talk.  When I finally have a moment to talk to him, he’s too tired and preoccupied with other things and I can’t get him to respond to me.  Every time I say, “I don’t think you have time for me anymore”, he gets defensive, accuses me of being negative, gets all huffy-puffy…but never really addresses it.  So it went on for two years.  I became the loneliest and saddest girl in love that I’ve ever seen.

Finally…finally…finally…two years later, he admits that he doesn’t have time for me anymore.  So I ask him how he thinks the relationship is going to keep going…and he doesn’t know.  Later on in the conversation, he goes round and round without ever giving a solution.  He says that he needs time to think of a solution.  But what is there to think about?  Is his life going to change?  No.  Is the situation going to just calm down?  No, it’s not.  If anything, it’s going to get even crazier.  How in the world can the situation change unless HE changes how he has been handling his life?  Well, he then informed me that he didn’t see himself changing.

*blank stare*

Is the situation going to change itself?  Ummm…no.  But he eliminates the only real viable solution available – personal change.  So where does that leave me then?  What am I supposed to do at this point?  Ideally, he wants me to stay with him and wait for him to be able to have a real relationship with me.  The only problem with that is that he does not want to make any commitments as to when.  That’s a problem because I’ve already spent the last two years being lonely.  I was married to a man for almost 11 years and I was lonely the entire time…I just can’t believe that I have been lonely AGAIN!  I’ve given my life to this man…and…*sigh*…I just can’t do it anymore.  My heart cannot take it.  And he wants me to keep being lonely and hurt for an even more undisclosed amount of time?  Truth be told, I want to wait…but I know I shouldn’t.  He seems to be willing to make a commitment to one thing and one thing only (he knows what that is) and there is nothing wrong with that thing.  But again, where does that leave me?  I’m so vested in this relationship and I truly love him…but I’m starting to believe that he is not ready to take a risk with me and trust me completely.  And if he can’t trust me and is not willing to take risks with me…then what’s left?  What’s the point?  I think he is willing to take risks and trust me…but not right now.  Something else is more important.

I finally told him later that evening that if he cannot make any changes in his life to accommodate our relationship anymore, then he needs to just let me go.  He doesn’t want to, though, because he feels that if he lets me go, then I will definitely move on with someone else and won’t be available for him when he’s ready for me.

That is only a half-truth.  I’m not 100% certain that I would have moved on with someone else; but I will very likely make some moves that would make it difficult to be in a relationship later.

For the last two weeks, I have really been fighting the urge to pack up and move to Florida.  I mean, I’ve BEEN wanting to go; but truth be told, the only reason why I am still here is because I wanted to be with him (assuming the rest of the details of my life could be worked out).  I didn’t want to leave because he made it 100% clear that he would not move there.  He wants to go back home to the Midwest in about 10 years.  So I stayed and gave up any dreams about Florida.  I was willing to move to the Midwest where he was from to live in weather I HATED.  I love him.  But now, I can’t see why I should continue to make plans around his plans and his life and his family when he made a statement that he doesn’t make plans…he just deals with things as they come.

The problem with that statement is this:  while he’s “just living”…he wants me to continue to make plans to be with him.  I’ve already planned and made decisions about my life based on our relationship for the past few years…and well, I’m at this point.  So it’s okay for me to do it, but he’s not obligated?  You know what?  I remember one time he told me that he doesn’t like people telling him what to do and trying to control him (that was his reply when I begged him to make some commitments).   He wants to live his life…on his terms…and really that’s okay, I guess, but that’s the wrong attitude to have toward someone you say you want to marry.  He is very self-centered and believes that the world is his in every sense of the word (damn you, Nas)…everyone is apparently supposed to jump through whatever hoops to make him happy, but rarely does he reciprocate it unless we’re talking about his children or his family.  It takes selflessness to have a successful marriage – and he ain’t having it.  He’s not willing to be that way with me.  He also finally admitted that he didn’t trust me the way that he should. *sigh*

It’s been a few days now and although he agrees that he no longer has time for me, that there is no emotional intimacy, and that he doesn’t see himself changing, he still doesn’t want to end the relationship.  So I’m pretty sure he’s avoiding the topic.

Emotionally, I have already begun letting go of the relationship.  Unless my life just does a serious loopteeloop, I’m on my way to Florida as soon as I can get there…at least that’s my plan. I will miss him terribly.  I will probably cry more days than not.  I honestly believed that we were meant to be together.  But something has to change in order for that to happen…because he doesn’t want to.

I am beginning to realize that truly loving someone is just not enough sometimes.  Sometimes life (or the other person) just gets in the way of what we think we really want.  Maybe what I want is not necessarily the best thing for me…I don’t know anymore (I’m hoping that I am wrong and that this will all be a dream).  But loving someone should not be this hard and painful…it just shouldn’t be.

Maybe I need to have the same attitude about life that he does…to live my life…on my terms.   The only problem is…I don’t know what those terms are.

I guess I need to figure that out on my own…without him.

...where I wanna be right now...

Filed under: ***[big sigh]***, Revelations   |  5 Comments