I made it.

27Jan09

Well, I’ve made it to Florida.  And I feel kind of weird.  On the one hand, I’ve finally gotten some sleep…I’m glad to be here with my Mom…Tito is enjoying the warm weather…and for the most part, I feel stress-free.  Well, except that big thing about needing a job.  It’s a little rough.  My city skills are way too much for the country and I’ve been advised to dumb it down.  I guess that’s what I’ll be working on today (other than my homework).  But truth be told, I’d rather be unemployed in Florida than unemployed in the big city.  It’s rough in the city.

I sort of thought that when I got down here that the lines of communication would open up and my boyfriend and I would really start talking.  Honestly, I want to stay with him…I just need to work on ME for right now.  He says that he understands that.  I think he does and he doesn’t.  I don’t think he understands why I need to do this away from him.  I have tried explaining that to him, but he doesn’t hear me too much.

But anyway…

I still want to marry him.  That is going to require that we stay in communication and have a long distance relationship.  He hasn’t really been giving me much lately.  Mostly because he’s really been going through some things and the way he reacts to things is to disappear and doesn’t want to talk.  That’s not really fair to do because we are supposed to be in a relationship, but honestly, I understand it.  I do the same thing…I just don’t do it with him.  I guess we are very different in that way.  When things go wrong, he runs away from me.  When things go wrong with me, I run towards him.  If he continues to run away from me and not talk, I do not know how we are going to maintain our relationship.   He did this very thing when I lived three minutes away from him.  And it was difficult then to talk to him.  Being here does not improve things.

I do not know how to handle this relationship anymore.  Should I continue to consider it a relationship?  Or should I just let it go and come back to it when I move back in 2011?  I am not sure anymore.  Whenever I act as if I have any doubts, he gets all upset like I said something wrong…but then the next day, we are back to saying nothing.

Single people are different from people in marriages or committed, loving relationships.  Single people see the world differently.  People in committed and loving relationships see the world in terms of “us” and “we.”  They only make moves if they benefit “the team”.   When they meet people, particularly the opposite sex, before one word is spoken, they know what’s up.  You don’t even consider that other person anything but a professional or platonic associate.  But single people, on the other hand, are very different in their thinking.  Single people see the world in terms of “me, myself, and I”…when they make decisions, they only have to consider themselves, for the most part…and they think about their future in terms of relationships.  So when single people meet other single period, there is something in the air…the possibility of a relationship or a future with that other person, if they want it.

Ever since I have been in a relationship with this man, it’s always been “us” and “we” for me.  Even when I was spending all of my time alone, it was still “us”.  I am always presented with other options, but I have NEVER thought about being with anyone else, despite how complicated our relationship was.  I even tried at one point to force myself to be open to other relationships…and I just couldn’t do it.  I simply love this man.  Even now that I am over 1,000 miles away, I still think in terms of “us”.  He knows that.  Sometimes, I think that it is why he handles our relationship so carelessly.  He knows I’m not going anyway.

But being in Florida changes things drastically.  I am so far away.  Communication is ALL we have now.  And if he doesn’t make any real efforts to communicate, then our relationship is going to fade away, no matter how much I want it.   That scares me because essentially, the relationship rests in his ability to make an effort to reach out and I’m not sure he’ll do that.  He always has reasons why he can’t and they are always legitimate (to him).  Will he do the same thing now?  He is so used to me reaching out and keeping things together.  But I can’t do that anymore.  It’s not just MY relationship…it’s OUR relationship.  And if he wants it, he has to work for it, just like I do.

I hate being single.  He knows that, too.  First of all, there’s no one out here really (at least I haven’t met anyone worth my time).  I’ve pretty much given up the relationship thing…I don’t want to be hurt any more than I already have.  If my relationship with my boyfriend doesn’t work, I might just have to be alone.  He knows that, too.  I used to say that all the time.  But when I said it before, I had no plans to be without him.  Now, I am realizing that it is a possibility that we will really break up for real for real.  If we did, I don’t think I could talk to him anymore because I would have a hard time just being his friend and emotionally, that would absolutely jack me up inside.  The thought of that makes my stomach hurt and I almost cried typing that.

But damn…I just have to believe that I am worth loving and cherishing.  I have to believe that I am worth someone putting some effort into a relationship with me.  I was really hoping that my boyfriend would come around and not just see how he acts hurts me, but be moved to change his behavior.  But I am starting to see that he has already made up his mind about how he wants to live his life…and I guess if I want to be apart of it, then I have to be the one to make adjustments or just accept it and get over it.  But that’s not an option anymore.  I’ve done that for the last few years and nothing has changed.  You can’t change a person if they don’t want to change.

So do I TRULY move on while I’m here in Florida?  Right now, my mindset is that I am here to get myself together and do some things for myself, and then go back to the city and continue my relationship with him.  But…I don’t know.  While I am here in Florida, do I date?  Do I even open myself up to that?  Honestly, I am not even thinking about dating and I am definitely giving off that vibe.  But I am pretty sure that if I decided to open myself up to it, the dates would come.  That is how is usually happens with me.  Like I said, I’m busy right now.  I’m too busy being unemployed to be looking at some dude.   I’m trying to find a job and I’ve got plenty homework to do.  That’s where my mind is.   At the moment.  But once things settle down for me, then what.

I hate relationships.  I mean, I don’t….but I do.  They are so complicated.  And I swear, I’m just not good at it.  Either that or maybe I really am a terrible person and I’m just in denial about it…nevermind.

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