…yes…God loves me.

01May09

I know I haven’t been blogging lately.  But there has been so much going on, I could never focus my thoughts long enough to come up with words to say.  Honestly, I still don’t know what to say; but I figure if I just start typing, the words will come.

I am glad to say that I am no longer depressed.  Things have really turned around for me.  I attribute it to hitting rock bottom emotionally.  Sometimes in order to be forced to do something about a situation, you have to hit rock bottom.  I was so messed up one night I just started praying and crying until the tears would not come anymore.  And I quietly said, “God…please.  I need you to help me or I am going to slit my wrist.”  And I heard God say to me that if I do not learn to trust Him and be patient while going through the process, then my depression and fear was going to kill me with sickness before I even had a chance to kill myself.  At that point, I didn’t have a choice but to comply.  I made up my mind that I was going to just trust that God was going to take care of me and to not worry about how things appeared to be going on the outside.  I just stopped worrying about things I couldn’t change.  And when I REALLY did that, for the first time in my life, I felt peace.  Real peace.  I’ve never felt that before.  Suddenly, I didn’t worry about not having a job…I didn’t worry about my relationship…I didn’t worry about my kids…I didn’t worry about not having any money…I just didn’t worry about anything.  All those things were still issues, but somehow it didn’t matter.  I really believed that God was going to take care of me.

Not even a week later, I got a call out of the blue from an agency on a Monday morning begging me to do them a huge favor and take an assignment at the last minute because the person that was in the position bailed out or something.  I don’t know.  She had to beg me because the pay was way below what I previously said I would work for.  But I said yes, and found out that the assignment was only two weeks because they had actually hired someone permanently already for the position, but she had to give her two week notice first. That was February 23, 2009.  God told me to work that temp assignment like I’m being paid $100,000 a year.  At the end of the two weeks, they decided to keep me temping in that position and gave the person they just hired a DIFFERENT position.  Well, I kept working like a champ…two months went by.  I got sick…with no insurance…and ended up with about $30,000 in medical bills for going to the emergency room for 6 hours.  But I wasn’t worried.  I needed that job (and that health insurance) like last year, but I just KNEW God was going to take care of me if I kept doing what He told me to do.  Well, this week, they offered me the position.  I start on Monday.  So God answered my prayer regarding a job, and I am so grateful.

What I learned in that situation was how to trust God and have a positive attitude regardless of how things are going.  My relationship with God grew exponentially during this time.  And you know what?  When they offered me the job, the salary was STILL below what I wanted to make.  For a second, I was really messed up.  All the plans I had for myself got ALLLLLLL messed up because of that salary…but you know what?  By the end of the day (even though I had to get myself together), when I laid my head down on my pillow, I thanked God for that job…and I believed that God was going to give me some wisdom regarding how to manage my money on that salary.  But I know that I won’t be there at that salary long.  God has promised me some things and I believe Him.   I believe they will happen.  I really do.

Also, I made a promise that although I could conceive of attending church again, I would never  be in another ministry again, and I will NEVER NEVER EVER EVER NEVER EVER EVUH play the piano again.  I did not trust church or church leadership and I didn’t want to feel taken advantage of again.  It took forever to finally join a church.  But that same weekend that God told me to stop playing and trust Him, my raggedy butt was front row and center.  Well, I cried like a baby and had a hard time making it to the car at the end of service because I was crying so hard.  Weeks later, I joined.  That was very hard to do and I cried like someone told me that my parents died when I joined because I was completely doing it in fear and trembling.  But I did it.  They are very nice people, but the church was so quiet and just really…White.  And it was okay, really, because God was speaking to me loud and clear every Sunday.  Ironically, I ended up joining another church a few months later.  I am now in their membership class and plan on joining their music ministry!  But you know what all that first church-joining was about?  I realize that if I had walked into the church I am in right now FIRST, I would have never joined.  I wouldn’t have been ready.  I would have run out of there like a bat out of hell.  They were too interactive and as a member, there is some level of accountability.  Because of my hurt, I would have run from that even though it was the very thing I needed!  So God led me to the first church in order to help me build some faith and make me sensitive to hearing from God again like I used to be.  As it turns out, the woman that they hired at my job was a member of this church and she invited me.  The minute I walked in the front door, I knew it was the right place.  But let me tell you something: if I had never had that first experience, I would have never had the faith to join this church.  NOW, I am where I am supposed to be.

Now I am still dealing with some other issues that God is helping me with…mostly my personal life.  But I’ll talk about that another time.  Tonight, I just wanted to share about how much God loves me.

Yes…God loves me.

Filed under: Happy for me!, Revelations   |  1 Comment